please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
