is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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