Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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