I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
