yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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