at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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