4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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