Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
