His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
