she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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