I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
