If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
