I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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