You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
