So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
