dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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