found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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