AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
