I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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