my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
