Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
