I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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