i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
