Porn is love you can see.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
