I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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