oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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