mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
