i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
