i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
