Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
