she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You should frame my arrest warrant.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize