I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
