I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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