I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
