i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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