Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
