I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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