i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Drake has all the answers
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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