there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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