i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
