8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
