hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I fill condoms, not promises.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize