'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
