Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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