People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
