I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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