Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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