i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
