He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Randomize
