Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
