So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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