I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
