Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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