Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
