YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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