my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
