I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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