We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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