When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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